You can read my first contribution commenting on the #viralvicar and Christianity in the public square, here: http://www.threadsuk.com/doing-it-in-public/
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
27.6.13
Doing it in Public
I was so excited to write for Threads, which has the Christian New Media Award for Best Christian Blog.
You can read my first contribution commenting on the #viralvicar and Christianity in the public square, here: http://www.threadsuk.com/doing-it-in-public/
You can read my first contribution commenting on the #viralvicar and Christianity in the public square, here: http://www.threadsuk.com/doing-it-in-public/
11.4.13
Evangelicalism and Me up a Tree...
Recently I've had some engagements on Twitter with people who are determined that I am not an evangelical Christian. I suspect that what they really mean is that they are not sure I'm actually a 'proper' Christian at all.
Yawn.
There is really no point in arguing with people like this and I do not intend to, however I do want to tell you that, having gone through some wrestling with my evangelical heritage, I am proud to be an evangelical, I think evangelicalism is a good part of the Christian traditions and I may have a 'Jody-shaped' evangelicalism, but it is evangelicalism none-the-less. I know this because I'm lucky enough to work with and be friends with people from other traditions - and I know I am not that. I also know that no matter how irksome some evangelical behaviours/jargon/assumptions are to me, I can no more be 'not evangelical' than I can be 'not Scottish'.
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| cartoonchurch |
So, because people seem to be Very Keen on statements of faith, I thought I would make up my own definition of 'Jody-shaped' evangelical faith and here it is:
1. God exists
2. God thinks I'm fab
3. God came to the Earth as a human being, Jesus
4. God is present in the world by the Holy Spirit
5. God saves me, I'm not sure exactly how
6. Incarnation is important
7. The Cross is important
8. The Resurrection is most important
9. Holy Saturday is quite significant too come to that
10. The Bible is awesome
11. Other people are made in God's Image
12. God is beyond my imagination
13. God is good.
14. I should do something about these things, otherwise my head will explode
there are of course other things such as 'We should pray', 'I don't care if this is called being an evangelical or not' and 'tribes and exclusion are marks of sin and nothing to be proud of' - but I thought these were outworking of points 14 and 11.
Anyway, let me know what your shaped evangelicalism looks like or write your own blogpost and send me a link. We could start a trend 'stop evangelical facism now!' or something. Anyway, be free, be creative, own your own identity and let me know how you understand your own faith.
21.3.11
facebook church poem
what does it mean to be church?
gosh, i really do not know
what this is all about
i shall ask some clever people
and see if they can work it out
the church is full of all the things
you hope to leave behind
emptiness and guilt...
a broken family you'll find
the church is given lots of things
we hope that it will do
acceptance, joy and hope, we pray
and a bit of sharing too
the church is given lots of words
we hope that it will be
the body, human, saved, alive
a REAL community
this worshipping community
this messy, broken home
this inconsistent family
may not do all these things
perhaps we do need messiness
(not red bull) to give us wings
we have bishops who can tell us
to be a united family
and from whom we hope to witness
kenotic vulnerability
so it seems we think there's hope for
this dysfunctional unity
that one day we will come alive
with thanks to david c, tiffer, dan, abi, phil g, sarah, terry, mark b, adrian, tash, alli, derek, simon r, nat, lesley h, greg, vicky, mike, christian, jo, beardy phil, eleanor, barrie, peterson, al and sue - for providing me with words via facebook
gosh, i really do not know
what this is all about
i shall ask some clever people
and see if they can work it out
the church is full of all the things
you hope to leave behind
emptiness and guilt...
a broken family you'll find
the church is given lots of things
we hope that it will do
acceptance, joy and hope, we pray
and a bit of sharing too
the church is given lots of words
we hope that it will be
the body, human, saved, alive
a REAL community
this worshipping community
this messy, broken home
this inconsistent family
may not do all these things
perhaps we do need messiness
(not red bull) to give us wings
we have bishops who can tell us
to be a united family
and from whom we hope to witness
kenotic vulnerability
so it seems we think there's hope for
this dysfunctional unity
that one day we will come alive
and act like we're redeemed
with thanks to david c, tiffer, dan, abi, phil g, sarah, terry, mark b, adrian, tash, alli, derek, simon r, nat, lesley h, greg, vicky, mike, christian, jo, beardy phil, eleanor, barrie, peterson, al and sue - for providing me with words via facebook
16.3.11
some random nonsense
humpty dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall,
all the king's horses and all the kings men......
...stood around and decided that humpty was clearly meant to be broken and so it would be wrong of them to put humpty back together again, besides, humpty was sat on the wall in the first place, so it was really humpty's own fault that humpty got himself broken, in which case in order to learn the lesson, he really did need to sort himself out and not expect anyone around him to do it for him, i mean, really, eggs nowadays just expect all kinds of special treatment and i for one think that it is just asking a little too much.
humpty dumpty had a great fall,
all the king's horses and all the kings men......
...stood around and decided that humpty was clearly meant to be broken and so it would be wrong of them to put humpty back together again, besides, humpty was sat on the wall in the first place, so it was really humpty's own fault that humpty got himself broken, in which case in order to learn the lesson, he really did need to sort himself out and not expect anyone around him to do it for him, i mean, really, eggs nowadays just expect all kinds of special treatment and i for one think that it is just asking a little too much.
24.9.10
september
so term starts on sunday and here i am at the end of the summer.
so am i ready for term?
only time will tell i guess. i've got some survival strategies for the next year, which include a rather large dose of things that do not include going to college. in fact one of those things meant that this evening i was sewing elastic on my ballet shoes, which is something that i had to do for tali when she was 3, and was ever so slightly weird on my size 7 shoes :D
anyway, that's my plan, do things that mean i keep one foot in real life, with real people, doing real things, preferably things that bring me to life and make me laugh and smile.
i'm in the throes of trying to find a curacy and something VERY exciting has come up, but not sure it is going to work out yet, but it's quite exciting that this is a process that i can really see is open to the holy spirit being involved, even though it's institutional and sometimes it can feel very fixed. it can feel like it's just a factory, that you're pushed through theological college and then shoved into a curacy. there's an interesting amount of fear that circulates during the process, which is mixed in with a pseudo-spiritual thing which can result in us not really being allowed to ask for a particular thing or ask for the desires of our heart. people are told that they can't be too fussy, that if they are too particular in what they want they'll be 'left on the shelf' effectively. but then there is the other side, the curates who i know whose curacies have been the worst years of their lives.
my own journey through that process has been interesting, and i don't want to talk too much about it here, but it actually was part of my own liberation from feeling an obligation to being part of the renewal of the evangelical tradition. for reasons that shall remain unblogged, i have felt that God has given me permission to ask for what i want. so i did.
daddy, i want......
so am i ready for term?
only time will tell i guess. i've got some survival strategies for the next year, which include a rather large dose of things that do not include going to college. in fact one of those things meant that this evening i was sewing elastic on my ballet shoes, which is something that i had to do for tali when she was 3, and was ever so slightly weird on my size 7 shoes :D
anyway, that's my plan, do things that mean i keep one foot in real life, with real people, doing real things, preferably things that bring me to life and make me laugh and smile.
i'm in the throes of trying to find a curacy and something VERY exciting has come up, but not sure it is going to work out yet, but it's quite exciting that this is a process that i can really see is open to the holy spirit being involved, even though it's institutional and sometimes it can feel very fixed. it can feel like it's just a factory, that you're pushed through theological college and then shoved into a curacy. there's an interesting amount of fear that circulates during the process, which is mixed in with a pseudo-spiritual thing which can result in us not really being allowed to ask for a particular thing or ask for the desires of our heart. people are told that they can't be too fussy, that if they are too particular in what they want they'll be 'left on the shelf' effectively. but then there is the other side, the curates who i know whose curacies have been the worst years of their lives.
my own journey through that process has been interesting, and i don't want to talk too much about it here, but it actually was part of my own liberation from feeling an obligation to being part of the renewal of the evangelical tradition. for reasons that shall remain unblogged, i have felt that God has given me permission to ask for what i want. so i did.
daddy, i want......
4.8.10
august
so, i've had a busy few weeks. my placement with tim was awesome, i then had a couple of days off to pack for new wine, which was variously dementing, ouchy and good - better because i'd decided not to do the seminar thing before i got there, good because there was much 'hanging out' with people, weird on some levels for things not able to discuss here. the thing is with new wine, that it's in my future because Q and the kids like it, and i like camping and being with people, but it definitely take energy to be there, and now i'm ill - *cough* see, terribly terribly ill :o
so it's now august, i can't believe it, i've already started thinking of work, ie college, i have to write an assignment before the end of september when term starts, and i've actually sent out a rota for prayer stuff - albeit, it's the smallest rota in the history of rotas, but still, a rota. it's great to be home, i have to say, and have my own space, i loooove my own space, but this 'august' thing has slightly crept up on me. i have a little anxious space down in my belly, the holidays seem to be going very very fast. this may be a good thing. i've been told by those in the know that the next year will whizz by, that it will be taken up with thinking of curacies, house moving, essay writing etc and then it will all be over.
now, talking about curacies, i'm waiting for a letter :/, it will tell me one of three things - 1. they are releasing me, 2. i'm on the list, but at the bottom and am free to look elsewhere, 3. they have a curacy for me to look at. i heard a couple of stories at new wine, where women had been left without curacies, one even considered retraining for something else. no-one in ridley was in that position though, so..........
i wonder what God's got for me.
so it's now august, i can't believe it, i've already started thinking of work, ie college, i have to write an assignment before the end of september when term starts, and i've actually sent out a rota for prayer stuff - albeit, it's the smallest rota in the history of rotas, but still, a rota. it's great to be home, i have to say, and have my own space, i loooove my own space, but this 'august' thing has slightly crept up on me. i have a little anxious space down in my belly, the holidays seem to be going very very fast. this may be a good thing. i've been told by those in the know that the next year will whizz by, that it will be taken up with thinking of curacies, house moving, essay writing etc and then it will all be over.
now, talking about curacies, i'm waiting for a letter :/, it will tell me one of three things - 1. they are releasing me, 2. i'm on the list, but at the bottom and am free to look elsewhere, 3. they have a curacy for me to look at. i heard a couple of stories at new wine, where women had been left without curacies, one even considered retraining for something else. no-one in ridley was in that position though, so..........
i wonder what God's got for me.
5.7.10
YES
i found the following written on a card in my bible and am reminded that sometimes we ought to be careful what we say 'yes' to...
YES
- to the unknown
- to the difficult
- to having to think hard
- to the little things
- to speaking up
- to parapet jumping, which leads to....
- to being happy to getting my ass kicked every now and then
- to just walking forward
- to doing what God wants me to do
YES
- to the unknown
- to the difficult
- to having to think hard
- to the little things
- to speaking up
- to parapet jumping, which leads to....
- to being happy to getting my ass kicked every now and then
- to just walking forward
- to doing what God wants me to do
19.6.10
world cup interlude
this would have been as interesting to watch as the match last night
Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.
7.12.09
music meme
so maggi tagged me (great new blog maggi...) with the music meme - with music that has taken your breath away, so here's mine:
about four years ago, i found kendall payne - she's written an excellent album called 'grown' which has many gems on it, but the one i want to mention most is called 'pray'. i first heard it sung by a couple who were leaving for missionary work in peru and was struck by the beauty of these people who were praying for us, those who were left behind, and asking us to pray for them. it is a song which joins us all together, those of us who want to follow this jewish carpenter and don't know what we're doing sometimes, or who stumble along the way, but who will do this journey anyway and get it right, wrong and upside down along the way. 'i will pray for you now' she says 'for you have been my faithful friends', 'may the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head, may they fall, come crashing down around your feet'.
even further back, at greenbelt, i picked up an album by juliet turner called 'let's hear it for pizza' (yes really) and, again many many gems on the whole album, so much so that i've got to mention two :). first one called 'indian summer' which gives a slightly jaded view of the back packing/summer mission idea, when we can come and go in the face of such poverty, flipping from the streets full of children, to our comfortable hotel rooms. as i quite often feel slightly jaded about such things it appealed to that side of me, as well as having such wonderful lines as 'and i never stand to protest, or shout against injustice because my arse is made of marble and i've got lead instead of lungs, i'm a stunning work of art, i should be hung'.
the second one is called 'platonic' and is about friendship between a man and a woman. it makes me smile because it's one of my complaints about the evangelical sub-culture, that men and women are not really allowed to be friends, such is the fear that surrounds the idea. as i said to a friend at the weekend though, if q and i can't do friendship with the other gender then we are stuffed, as we both spend most of our time in their company. juliet pinpoints some of the fears with the language of ordinary life 'all those nights in the kitchen, when you thought we might be kissin, we were discussin mustard in the dressin......'.
so there it is for now - 3 songs that have stayed with me over the last ten years and which say something about my preoccupations and life, which annotate the brainwaves that escape from me every so often. i'm thankful to maggi for so many things, but right now i'm really thankful that she's given me something i can write about :)
about four years ago, i found kendall payne - she's written an excellent album called 'grown' which has many gems on it, but the one i want to mention most is called 'pray'. i first heard it sung by a couple who were leaving for missionary work in peru and was struck by the beauty of these people who were praying for us, those who were left behind, and asking us to pray for them. it is a song which joins us all together, those of us who want to follow this jewish carpenter and don't know what we're doing sometimes, or who stumble along the way, but who will do this journey anyway and get it right, wrong and upside down along the way. 'i will pray for you now' she says 'for you have been my faithful friends', 'may the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head, may they fall, come crashing down around your feet'.
even further back, at greenbelt, i picked up an album by juliet turner called 'let's hear it for pizza' (yes really) and, again many many gems on the whole album, so much so that i've got to mention two :). first one called 'indian summer' which gives a slightly jaded view of the back packing/summer mission idea, when we can come and go in the face of such poverty, flipping from the streets full of children, to our comfortable hotel rooms. as i quite often feel slightly jaded about such things it appealed to that side of me, as well as having such wonderful lines as 'and i never stand to protest, or shout against injustice because my arse is made of marble and i've got lead instead of lungs, i'm a stunning work of art, i should be hung'.
the second one is called 'platonic' and is about friendship between a man and a woman. it makes me smile because it's one of my complaints about the evangelical sub-culture, that men and women are not really allowed to be friends, such is the fear that surrounds the idea. as i said to a friend at the weekend though, if q and i can't do friendship with the other gender then we are stuffed, as we both spend most of our time in their company. juliet pinpoints some of the fears with the language of ordinary life 'all those nights in the kitchen, when you thought we might be kissin, we were discussin mustard in the dressin......'.
so there it is for now - 3 songs that have stayed with me over the last ten years and which say something about my preoccupations and life, which annotate the brainwaves that escape from me every so often. i'm thankful to maggi for so many things, but right now i'm really thankful that she's given me something i can write about :)
24.11.09
so long and thanks for all the fish
you may have noticed that i'm not blogging much - i think i mentioned it before a couple of posts ago. i rather thought then that it would be a momentary 'blip', but it has turned out to be a little bit more difficult than that.
i like, nay, love, blogging. really, for me, it's just writing, it's journaling, it's journalism, it's comment and commentary all rolled into one. how wonderful.
except
right now, it's a bit difficult. and it should be difficult, don't get me wrong, but, if you've read any of my stuff before now, then you'll know that i'm a 'heart on your sleeve' kinda woman. i think this is a good thing. but i'm not so naive as to think that i can do that on a blog, whilst i'm right in the middle of a community, and that be a good thing. how do i write about the stuff i'm thinking, going through, loving, hating, wrestling with - essentially, all the things that i've been doing on this blog for the past two years - when it's a live, present, contextual reality? can I?
this is the question i've been asking myself - it must be possible, i've seen others do it, wannabepriest did it, and still does, i've also seen others get to a point where it just isn't possible.
so, why do i blog?
essentially, i think, it's about voice - voice within myself, voice into the world, voice amongst others, hearing of reciprocal voices. i don't always know why i blog, or what purpose it is, i'm not even sure how many people read this, i'm not a 'stat' rider, i don't pour over them to see who, what, how many. i would still blog even if no-one read - i think, but perhaps that's just silly.
so, for now, it's not 'so long and thanks for all the fish', but rather a continued 'journey to the restaurant at the end of the universe', with hopefully a few tidbits along the way - but, right now, i'm not exactly sure what they will be........
i like, nay, love, blogging. really, for me, it's just writing, it's journaling, it's journalism, it's comment and commentary all rolled into one. how wonderful.
except
right now, it's a bit difficult. and it should be difficult, don't get me wrong, but, if you've read any of my stuff before now, then you'll know that i'm a 'heart on your sleeve' kinda woman. i think this is a good thing. but i'm not so naive as to think that i can do that on a blog, whilst i'm right in the middle of a community, and that be a good thing. how do i write about the stuff i'm thinking, going through, loving, hating, wrestling with - essentially, all the things that i've been doing on this blog for the past two years - when it's a live, present, contextual reality? can I?
this is the question i've been asking myself - it must be possible, i've seen others do it, wannabepriest did it, and still does, i've also seen others get to a point where it just isn't possible.
so, why do i blog?
essentially, i think, it's about voice - voice within myself, voice into the world, voice amongst others, hearing of reciprocal voices. i don't always know why i blog, or what purpose it is, i'm not even sure how many people read this, i'm not a 'stat' rider, i don't pour over them to see who, what, how many. i would still blog even if no-one read - i think, but perhaps that's just silly.
so, for now, it's not 'so long and thanks for all the fish', but rather a continued 'journey to the restaurant at the end of the universe', with hopefully a few tidbits along the way - but, right now, i'm not exactly sure what they will be........
31.10.09
still alive but i'm barely breathin, prayin to a god that i don't believe in....
so, i didn't really mean to be mysterious the other day (rach :), it was just a comment on the sudden, and slightly unexpected sense of constraint i was feeling. it's similar to being in a church and having to be discerning about the things you say, and definitely the things that you blog about! but for some reason, perhaps it's the intense nature of college, it felt like that but much more oppressive. anyway, nuff said about that, i think.
onto my next thought. this week i've got to lead a discussion at our post-grad theology discussion group (yes, i know, it sounds eye-crossing, but it's really quite informal and there was port last time, and it's a mike thomson/richard bauckham tag team leading it, so, good good)
anyway, i somehow managed to allow myself to be volunteered to lead the discussion this week, with another student as we'd been asking the same questions about 'how it is that we actually know God (hence the title of this blogpost)
i think that my own questions stem from my experience of being in church family with conservative evangelicals and many many times thinking 'i don't know the same God you do'. i know, it's not PC to say that out loud particularly - and i most definitely am not saying that this is about being a christian or not - but that's how i've felt, and it felt like that when i was in that community, and it has continued to feel like that when i've had the odd conversation with people, or just been immersed in that community again (a day out at FCAUK for example).
so, i guess i've got a couple of options here, i could just think 'oh well, sod them' or just pootle along with my own little thoughts, in my own little mind, with my own little friends, who think exactly the things that i think. i could decide that there's no way to discern which version of God is the right one, so either do a dawkins and decide it's all the biggest load of crap, or sit with my happily relativised 'god in my pocket' entirely made in my image - or i could go a little bit mad.
or.........
or.....what?
at this point, i imagine (hope?) that some of you are wondering about the place of scripture in our ideas of God. and yes, i agree with you, that's my first marker on my journey. but.....you see ...how do we interpret scripture? who decides which interpretive model, hermeneutic, is the valid one? and if we then decide which particular hermeneutic is going to be 'ours', which interpretation derived from that model will we decide is valid? and where do we get our idea about what exactly is a valid 'idea' about God? scripture? but then we're in a cycle aren't we? our idea or 'image' of God in our heads determines our assessment of what someone says scripture says about God, which we then choose to assimilate into our thinking as a 'valid interpretation' dependent on which image of God is already there.
so where does my image of God come from?
speaking with someone else about this, he says, what about the community? (as in the universal community of God, throughout history - tradition)
so, the things that have been handed down, the traditional interpretations of who God is, are handed down, we don't 'imagine' things up ourselves (how arrogant!), we were not the first people to read scripture, to meet God, to 'think things' about God, to be persons of faith who sought to understand. the tradition gives us a framework and an anchor, within which and rooted by which, we are free to do our own thinking about God.
true.
but just one more question.
in our history there are different understandings of God. calvinism vs armenianism is not a 'new' discussion, trinitarianism was always a faith position, 'God is love' had to be wrestled with as a concept from the beginning.
even now, i wonder, do i ally myself with those who simply affirm my already formed views about who God is? do i wrestle against those whose view of God i, sometimes, find abhorrent, only because it conflicts with 'my' idea about God?
someone recently said to me, after a conversation on this subject, 'yeah, but maybe that's okay, maybe it's just being okay with you believing in the God who you know in your own head', to which i responded 'no, that's just not good enough, i want to know God, i want to know who God is, and i want to seek him until i know that i really know him.'
i think that this is my position, for the moment - to know that i don't know and to be okay with that.
but only if he doesn't turn out to be a big beardy storm god who hates me.
oh!......bugger.
onto my next thought. this week i've got to lead a discussion at our post-grad theology discussion group (yes, i know, it sounds eye-crossing, but it's really quite informal and there was port last time, and it's a mike thomson/richard bauckham tag team leading it, so, good good)
anyway, i somehow managed to allow myself to be volunteered to lead the discussion this week, with another student as we'd been asking the same questions about 'how it is that we actually know God (hence the title of this blogpost)
i think that my own questions stem from my experience of being in church family with conservative evangelicals and many many times thinking 'i don't know the same God you do'. i know, it's not PC to say that out loud particularly - and i most definitely am not saying that this is about being a christian or not - but that's how i've felt, and it felt like that when i was in that community, and it has continued to feel like that when i've had the odd conversation with people, or just been immersed in that community again (a day out at FCAUK for example).
so, i guess i've got a couple of options here, i could just think 'oh well, sod them' or just pootle along with my own little thoughts, in my own little mind, with my own little friends, who think exactly the things that i think. i could decide that there's no way to discern which version of God is the right one, so either do a dawkins and decide it's all the biggest load of crap, or sit with my happily relativised 'god in my pocket' entirely made in my image - or i could go a little bit mad.
or.........
or.....what?
at this point, i imagine (hope?) that some of you are wondering about the place of scripture in our ideas of God. and yes, i agree with you, that's my first marker on my journey. but.....you see ...how do we interpret scripture? who decides which interpretive model, hermeneutic, is the valid one? and if we then decide which particular hermeneutic is going to be 'ours', which interpretation derived from that model will we decide is valid? and where do we get our idea about what exactly is a valid 'idea' about God? scripture? but then we're in a cycle aren't we? our idea or 'image' of God in our heads determines our assessment of what someone says scripture says about God, which we then choose to assimilate into our thinking as a 'valid interpretation' dependent on which image of God is already there.
so where does my image of God come from?
speaking with someone else about this, he says, what about the community? (as in the universal community of God, throughout history - tradition)
so, the things that have been handed down, the traditional interpretations of who God is, are handed down, we don't 'imagine' things up ourselves (how arrogant!), we were not the first people to read scripture, to meet God, to 'think things' about God, to be persons of faith who sought to understand. the tradition gives us a framework and an anchor, within which and rooted by which, we are free to do our own thinking about God.
true.
but just one more question.
in our history there are different understandings of God. calvinism vs armenianism is not a 'new' discussion, trinitarianism was always a faith position, 'God is love' had to be wrestled with as a concept from the beginning.
even now, i wonder, do i ally myself with those who simply affirm my already formed views about who God is? do i wrestle against those whose view of God i, sometimes, find abhorrent, only because it conflicts with 'my' idea about God?
someone recently said to me, after a conversation on this subject, 'yeah, but maybe that's okay, maybe it's just being okay with you believing in the God who you know in your own head', to which i responded 'no, that's just not good enough, i want to know God, i want to know who God is, and i want to seek him until i know that i really know him.'
i think that this is my position, for the moment - to know that i don't know and to be okay with that.
but only if he doesn't turn out to be a big beardy storm god who hates me.
oh!......bugger.
28.9.09
wonderful idiots
the last few days have been a rather strange whirlwind of socialising, networking, encountering and listening.
i have had sometimes the most bewildering range of emotions - excitement, fear, anticipation. most of these have been expected, but some have taken me a little by surprise and as i start to watch others around me i am reminded how complex we all are. how different. how distinctive.
some of us are introverts and some extroverts - this is the classic dichotomy isn't it? over the last few years i've become less and less convinced about it, particularly because in many ways i'm your typical extrovert, i'm a social animal and always have been, however having spent so much of my time on my own to study, and perhaps it's a little to do with cherishing time alone when one has small children, i've begun to relish the time that i get to spend on my own too. i need headspace. but, in the end, i can't get away from the fact that i love people, i love hearing their stories, telling them mine - my default setting seems to be that of the anthrophile.
so i see the more introvert struggle with the constant 'noise' of community, which seems to assault the senses in a whole gamut of ways. this, i think, is to be expected. however, what i hadn't really anticipated was the way in which my own extrovert nature would react. you see i'm quite a 'heart on your sleeve' kind of woman. i'm quite open about my own peculiarities....most of the time. and in vicar college i'm sure that this is the way it's meant to be. after all over 2 or 3 years you really can't hide who you are, even if you want to. but the thing is that it's all a bit artificial. and i find myself slightly unsure in this bubble of forced community - how much to share, who with, and when.
it's also been slightly interesting having some people comment on stuff that i've written either here or on fulcrum (in a nice way, well mostly) - i admit to finding that a bit disconcerting. i could lie to you and say that of course i'm totally used to it - but i'm not. the truth is that most people have never heard of fulcrum (yes, it's true - i suffer no pretensions), and, shocking i know, but some people couldn't give two hoots about local church politics, national church politics, international church politics or the covenant, windsor process, gene robinson, GAFCON, FCAUK, etc etc.
i guess what i'm saying is that i have no desire to pretend. absolutely non whatsoever. i am constantly surprised that i've ended up doing everything i'm doing. i am sometimes a blethering idiot. i, rather too often for my own liking, say things that probably should have been left unsaid. when i'm nervous i'm much more likely to suffer from verbal diarrhoea than to clam up. i sometimes feel wildly free and sometimes excruciatingly shy.
and i'm okay with that.
i'm absolutely wonderfully, excitingly, amazingly terrified. and i would be highly suspicious of myself if i couldn't articulate that. it's very tempting to pretend. tempting to give off the aura of knowing what's what. but i don't.
so there :P
i have had sometimes the most bewildering range of emotions - excitement, fear, anticipation. most of these have been expected, but some have taken me a little by surprise and as i start to watch others around me i am reminded how complex we all are. how different. how distinctive.
some of us are introverts and some extroverts - this is the classic dichotomy isn't it? over the last few years i've become less and less convinced about it, particularly because in many ways i'm your typical extrovert, i'm a social animal and always have been, however having spent so much of my time on my own to study, and perhaps it's a little to do with cherishing time alone when one has small children, i've begun to relish the time that i get to spend on my own too. i need headspace. but, in the end, i can't get away from the fact that i love people, i love hearing their stories, telling them mine - my default setting seems to be that of the anthrophile.
so i see the more introvert struggle with the constant 'noise' of community, which seems to assault the senses in a whole gamut of ways. this, i think, is to be expected. however, what i hadn't really anticipated was the way in which my own extrovert nature would react. you see i'm quite a 'heart on your sleeve' kind of woman. i'm quite open about my own peculiarities....most of the time. and in vicar college i'm sure that this is the way it's meant to be. after all over 2 or 3 years you really can't hide who you are, even if you want to. but the thing is that it's all a bit artificial. and i find myself slightly unsure in this bubble of forced community - how much to share, who with, and when.
it's also been slightly interesting having some people comment on stuff that i've written either here or on fulcrum (in a nice way, well mostly) - i admit to finding that a bit disconcerting. i could lie to you and say that of course i'm totally used to it - but i'm not. the truth is that most people have never heard of fulcrum (yes, it's true - i suffer no pretensions), and, shocking i know, but some people couldn't give two hoots about local church politics, national church politics, international church politics or the covenant, windsor process, gene robinson, GAFCON, FCAUK, etc etc.
i guess what i'm saying is that i have no desire to pretend. absolutely non whatsoever. i am constantly surprised that i've ended up doing everything i'm doing. i am sometimes a blethering idiot. i, rather too often for my own liking, say things that probably should have been left unsaid. when i'm nervous i'm much more likely to suffer from verbal diarrhoea than to clam up. i sometimes feel wildly free and sometimes excruciatingly shy.
and i'm okay with that.
i'm absolutely wonderfully, excitingly, amazingly terrified. and i would be highly suspicious of myself if i couldn't articulate that. it's very tempting to pretend. tempting to give off the aura of knowing what's what. but i don't.
so there :P
23.8.09
we are here
so on tuesday we moved.
and now we're here.
what does that mean exactly? just like moving was a long process over the last year, there are certain 'moments' in arriving that have to be noticed - you know, a deliberate noticing of the particular roots going down and feeding from the ground they've been placed in.
for example i felt quite clear that we needed the house to be 'unboxed' fairly quickly - that some sense of normality would help us all to feel settled. and so the boxes are pretty much emptied (apart from the ones that will stay boxed for the next two years...)
on thursday we took the kids to the maizemaze and met some other ridley students and spouses, even invited one of the 'new' spouses home for lunch - this was a particular 'root' for me, i love opening up our house to people, even if we're the 'new ones'.
yesterday i cycled into cambridge and navigated my way to college, just to test the route. i began to get a sense of the nooks and crannies of cambridge city centre (even if it was by cycling through places that i don't think i'm meant to cycle through - eek)
and today - we went to church. i have to admit feeling slightly nervous, this place will be our worshipping community, our church family, our friends, our leaders, for the next 2 years. it's important. this is a major root for me and for us as a family. i guess my main community will be the ridley one, but i also want to have real relationships with our community in milton and at church. it's a long time since i've had to start from the beginning in a place - i mean i've made many new friends over the years, i love meeting people and hearing their stories, but there is no one here who knows me from of old, who knows what i'm like, how i tick, there is no one here who can say 'that's what she's like', or, when i've screwed up, 'that's not like her, she must be having an off day'. yet.
i want to root down quickly, which will mean being a little bit vulnerable, discerning quickly what people are like, and what to say in which context. i have discovered that i already come with a label - 'ridley student' - and this will have it's pros and it's cons, but it's who i am, so i'll have to get used to it, and what that means to others, even when i'm not sure what it means to me yet.
i guess this is what it means to be present in an active sense. you have to really choose to be yourself in a place, choose to be in the place where you are. you particularly have to choose this when the place that you are is not known to you yet. if the relationships that you have with the people and the community that you find yourself in - and this probably includes the projected relationships that you have with places or institutions too - form you, then a recalibration must take place when you remove yourself from one place to another.
who you are in one place, is, necessarily, not who you are in another place. people react to you differently, and as your relationships form you, you are, essentially, a different person. of course all your relationships over space and time are still holding you, still forming you, so it might not seem as if you are that much different from yesterday. but still - we are changed by our encounters.
so...we're here.
now the question is...who are we?
and now we're here.
what does that mean exactly? just like moving was a long process over the last year, there are certain 'moments' in arriving that have to be noticed - you know, a deliberate noticing of the particular roots going down and feeding from the ground they've been placed in.
for example i felt quite clear that we needed the house to be 'unboxed' fairly quickly - that some sense of normality would help us all to feel settled. and so the boxes are pretty much emptied (apart from the ones that will stay boxed for the next two years...)
on thursday we took the kids to the maizemaze and met some other ridley students and spouses, even invited one of the 'new' spouses home for lunch - this was a particular 'root' for me, i love opening up our house to people, even if we're the 'new ones'.
yesterday i cycled into cambridge and navigated my way to college, just to test the route. i began to get a sense of the nooks and crannies of cambridge city centre (even if it was by cycling through places that i don't think i'm meant to cycle through - eek)
and today - we went to church. i have to admit feeling slightly nervous, this place will be our worshipping community, our church family, our friends, our leaders, for the next 2 years. it's important. this is a major root for me and for us as a family. i guess my main community will be the ridley one, but i also want to have real relationships with our community in milton and at church. it's a long time since i've had to start from the beginning in a place - i mean i've made many new friends over the years, i love meeting people and hearing their stories, but there is no one here who knows me from of old, who knows what i'm like, how i tick, there is no one here who can say 'that's what she's like', or, when i've screwed up, 'that's not like her, she must be having an off day'. yet.
i want to root down quickly, which will mean being a little bit vulnerable, discerning quickly what people are like, and what to say in which context. i have discovered that i already come with a label - 'ridley student' - and this will have it's pros and it's cons, but it's who i am, so i'll have to get used to it, and what that means to others, even when i'm not sure what it means to me yet.
i guess this is what it means to be present in an active sense. you have to really choose to be yourself in a place, choose to be in the place where you are. you particularly have to choose this when the place that you are is not known to you yet. if the relationships that you have with the people and the community that you find yourself in - and this probably includes the projected relationships that you have with places or institutions too - form you, then a recalibration must take place when you remove yourself from one place to another.
who you are in one place, is, necessarily, not who you are in another place. people react to you differently, and as your relationships form you, you are, essentially, a different person. of course all your relationships over space and time are still holding you, still forming you, so it might not seem as if you are that much different from yesterday. but still - we are changed by our encounters.
so...we're here.
now the question is...who are we?
1.6.09
june
my goodness it's june already - we've just got back from our main holiday this year, decided to do it in half term, as summer will be taken up by moving. unfortunately it wasn't quite as relaxing as it should have been for one reason and another (an 8hr delay at gatwick before we left didn't help)
but for me it was really the marker to the real countdown for leaving. we've got about 10weeks left now and there's kinda nothing in between. weird.
with these things i think it's important to do them 'healthily', if you know what i mean. not uproot before you have somewhere to put the roots down again. a long preparation for moving can mean that you do things before they need to happen - so that you're 'moving' for about 6 months and that can feel a bit unstable. but now it's 2 months and this saturday we go to ridley for an orientation day, we'll hopefully meet people who will become our friends, who will be those that share our journey over the next two years, and some, hopefully, who might share it with us beyond that. the moving on bit is now meant to begin...
so in lots of ways, june is a time for growth, it is the season of plene esse, fullness of wellness of being, as spring unfolds into summer.
but for me it was really the marker to the real countdown for leaving. we've got about 10weeks left now and there's kinda nothing in between. weird.
with these things i think it's important to do them 'healthily', if you know what i mean. not uproot before you have somewhere to put the roots down again. a long preparation for moving can mean that you do things before they need to happen - so that you're 'moving' for about 6 months and that can feel a bit unstable. but now it's 2 months and this saturday we go to ridley for an orientation day, we'll hopefully meet people who will become our friends, who will be those that share our journey over the next two years, and some, hopefully, who might share it with us beyond that. the moving on bit is now meant to begin...
so in lots of ways, june is a time for growth, it is the season of plene esse, fullness of wellness of being, as spring unfolds into summer.
6.5.09
kicks
i have now found a new favourite route on my bike - along the thames towpath to dorney lake. dorney lake is the olympic rowing lake for 2012. it is really very beautiful despite (for me) the fact that it is not a natural lake. there's a 5k track round it used for all sorts of things like cycling, running, rollerskating, rollerblading, pushing buggies, walking, sitting on the side of.
it also has a really mean wind tunnel effect, which means that going down one side feels like bliss as you speed along at 15mph wondering at the marvel of bike travel and going up the other is like battling a force 10 gale, as you slip into first gear, and ducks pass you.
that notwithstanding, it's a pretty cool place to get your excercise kicks.
17.2.09
get thee to the apothecary (or superdrug, either will do really)
would you believe that i've been struck down by yet another of the bloody 'winter' viruses that everyone is saying 'ooh, yes that one is going round'.
hmmm, well this time it was tonsilitis, and i have to say that it really really wasn't pleasant in any way - it went from being 'oh, i've got a bit of a sore throat' to 'struggling to get off the sofa, what with all the shivering and sweating' in about four hours and then stayed like that for the next two days.
yesterday the nice doctor gave me some penicillin for the 'pus' - nice.
now, where's the echinacea........
hmmm, well this time it was tonsilitis, and i have to say that it really really wasn't pleasant in any way - it went from being 'oh, i've got a bit of a sore throat' to 'struggling to get off the sofa, what with all the shivering and sweating' in about four hours and then stayed like that for the next two days.
yesterday the nice doctor gave me some penicillin for the 'pus' - nice.
now, where's the echinacea........
15.12.08
rabid dog
a little while ago i wrote that my husband had been diagnosed with a heart condition, the sypmtoms of which were potentially fatal (actually i'm not sure i spelt that out at the time, but anyway....)
anyway, here we are three months later, it has been a bit of a strange time, we've (well, he, but i felt i went through them all too) had various tests which have shown various things which i shan't bore you with, and the upshot of it now is that the aforementioned worrisome sypmtoms have apparently been medicated into oblivion, well kind of, which is good news, q (my husband) now has to up his beta blocker dose in order to completely get rid of all the irregularities of his heartbeat, eek, and now feels quite lightheaded - bearing in mind that his pulse is normally only just about 60 anyway and he's always suffered from low blood pressure, oh well.
i'm not sure how well i've coped with all the stress, you know, when stuff like this happens you always want to behave like one of those super spiritual people who float around in a state of perpetual bliss, knowing that God is 'in it with you', because you, being a super spiritual, already know that being a christian doesn't make everything rosy in the garden - well, i can tell you, that the 'God is in it with you' line, is also a hard road to walk, sometimes i don't really want God to see me when i've turned into the mother from hell, or am doing a rather good impression of a rabid dog, at that point 'God standing a little distance away' seems like a better option.
the worst bit is when you know that you are behaving badly and you still do it anyway, it's like an out of body experience, where you are thinking 'why am i saying that....stop saying that...stop doing that...just get your coat', hoping that normal service will resume sometime soon.
well, this is it i guess. this is what 'walking with the lord' actually means. just getting on with it, walking the path you have, sometimes well, sometimes not so, and still trusting that jesus is with you and wants to be, even with the rabid dog impression.
anyway, here we are three months later, it has been a bit of a strange time, we've (well, he, but i felt i went through them all too) had various tests which have shown various things which i shan't bore you with, and the upshot of it now is that the aforementioned worrisome sypmtoms have apparently been medicated into oblivion, well kind of, which is good news, q (my husband) now has to up his beta blocker dose in order to completely get rid of all the irregularities of his heartbeat, eek, and now feels quite lightheaded - bearing in mind that his pulse is normally only just about 60 anyway and he's always suffered from low blood pressure, oh well.
i'm not sure how well i've coped with all the stress, you know, when stuff like this happens you always want to behave like one of those super spiritual people who float around in a state of perpetual bliss, knowing that God is 'in it with you', because you, being a super spiritual, already know that being a christian doesn't make everything rosy in the garden - well, i can tell you, that the 'God is in it with you' line, is also a hard road to walk, sometimes i don't really want God to see me when i've turned into the mother from hell, or am doing a rather good impression of a rabid dog, at that point 'God standing a little distance away' seems like a better option.
the worst bit is when you know that you are behaving badly and you still do it anyway, it's like an out of body experience, where you are thinking 'why am i saying that....stop saying that...stop doing that...just get your coat', hoping that normal service will resume sometime soon.
well, this is it i guess. this is what 'walking with the lord' actually means. just getting on with it, walking the path you have, sometimes well, sometimes not so, and still trusting that jesus is with you and wants to be, even with the rabid dog impression.
5.12.08
you are beautiful
i know so many who are paralysed by low self esteem, who do not know that they are beautiful created ones, so tell as many people as possible......
10.11.08
phases my brain goes through when writing an essay
i don't know anything, have i actually read anything about this at all, i can't remember anything, oh no i'm writing crap, this doesn't make sense, why on earth did i think i could do this
oh, actually that's okay
oh, actually that's okay
17.10.08
pilgrims
i was tagged by tim to list five people who have influenced my spiritual path, so here goes (with the girlies I'm using their names prior to marriage because that's when i met them and it's a trip into those memories):
1. dani jell: when i moved to maidenhead at 13 i became friends with dani, who happened to be a christian and shared her faith with me. i guess that this was a significant friendship on my own faith journey - i remember 'praying the prayer' at a sleepover at her house (how very evo of me :-). she also is the most amazing singer.
2. kate langdon: after i dropped out of uni i spent loads of time with kate and she walked with me as i found my way back to faith - kate is now part of the nehemiah project in brum and is such a fab role model for women leaders, and people in general! (she's now kate pearson)
3. sam beckmann: sam has been one of my best friends for about a decade, she is passionate about jesus, a 'real' person in every way and a good practical theologian and baptist minister - doesn't let me get away with anything!
4. john colwell: without a doubt my tutor in doctrine and ethics has been one of the most formational people for me over the last nine years since beginning my training. he oozes love for jesus and he teaches with such passion that you can't help but get swept along.
5. brian mclaren: you might have heard of him. second only to john above, he is probably responsible for some of the most, ahem, heretical things i might think.......
i tag dennis, jon, and maggi
1. dani jell: when i moved to maidenhead at 13 i became friends with dani, who happened to be a christian and shared her faith with me. i guess that this was a significant friendship on my own faith journey - i remember 'praying the prayer' at a sleepover at her house (how very evo of me :-). she also is the most amazing singer.
2. kate langdon: after i dropped out of uni i spent loads of time with kate and she walked with me as i found my way back to faith - kate is now part of the nehemiah project in brum and is such a fab role model for women leaders, and people in general! (she's now kate pearson)
3. sam beckmann: sam has been one of my best friends for about a decade, she is passionate about jesus, a 'real' person in every way and a good practical theologian and baptist minister - doesn't let me get away with anything!
4. john colwell: without a doubt my tutor in doctrine and ethics has been one of the most formational people for me over the last nine years since beginning my training. he oozes love for jesus and he teaches with such passion that you can't help but get swept along.
5. brian mclaren: you might have heard of him. second only to john above, he is probably responsible for some of the most, ahem, heretical things i might think.......
i tag dennis, jon, and maggi
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