15.12.08

rabid dog

a little while ago i wrote that my husband had been diagnosed with a heart condition, the sypmtoms of which were potentially fatal (actually i'm not sure i spelt that out at the time, but anyway....)

anyway, here we are three months later, it has been a bit of a strange time, we've (well, he, but i felt i went through them all too) had various tests which have shown various things which i shan't bore you with, and the upshot of it now is that the aforementioned worrisome sypmtoms have apparently been medicated into oblivion, well kind of, which is good news, q (my husband) now has to up his beta blocker dose in order to completely get rid of all the irregularities of his heartbeat, eek, and now feels quite lightheaded - bearing in mind that his pulse is normally only just about 60 anyway and he's always suffered from low blood pressure, oh well.

i'm not sure how well i've coped with all the stress, you know, when stuff like this happens you always want to behave like one of those super spiritual people who float around in a state of perpetual bliss, knowing that God is 'in it with you', because you, being a super spiritual, already know that being a christian doesn't make everything rosy in the garden - well, i can tell you, that the 'God is in it with you' line, is also a hard road to walk, sometimes i don't really want God to see me when i've turned into the mother from hell, or am doing a rather good impression of a rabid dog, at that point 'God standing a little distance away' seems like a better option.

the worst bit is when you know that you are behaving badly and you still do it anyway, it's like an out of body experience, where you are thinking 'why am i saying that....stop saying that...stop doing that...just get your coat', hoping that normal service will resume sometime soon.

well, this is it i guess. this is what 'walking with the lord' actually means. just getting on with it, walking the path you have, sometimes well, sometimes not so, and still trusting that jesus is with you and wants to be, even with the rabid dog impression.

1 comment:

karen said...

I can sooo relate!

My brother-in-law just recently had open-heart surgery, and for several days I just felt total panic and anxiety - I wondered whether my response was appropriate for a Christian - especially a 'super-spiritual' ordinand (ha!). All I can say is that I think now I will be able to empathise better with others who are going through such stressful times.

It is hard balancing our hope, faith, and trust in God with the very normality of crisis reactions. God understands, though - this we can be assured of.

I hope things continue to improve for your husband.