wonderful idiots

the last few days have been a rather strange whirlwind of socialising, networking, encountering and listening.

i have had sometimes the most bewildering range of emotions - excitement, fear, anticipation. most of these have been expected, but some have taken me a little by surprise and as i start to watch others around me i am reminded how complex we all are. how different. how distinctive.

some of us are introverts and some extroverts - this is the classic dichotomy isn't it? over the last few years i've become less and less convinced about it, particularly because in many ways i'm your typical extrovert, i'm a social animal and always have been, however having spent so much of my time on my own to study, and perhaps it's a little to do with cherishing time alone when one has small children, i've begun to relish the time that i get to spend on my own too. i need headspace. but, in the end, i can't get away from the fact that i love people, i love hearing their stories, telling them mine - my default setting seems to be that of the anthrophile.

so i see the more introvert struggle with the constant 'noise' of community, which seems to assault the senses in a whole gamut of ways. this, i think, is to be expected. however, what i hadn't really anticipated was the way in which my own extrovert nature would react. you see i'm quite a 'heart on your sleeve' kind of woman. i'm quite open about my own peculiarities....most of the time. and in vicar college i'm sure that this is the way it's meant to be. after all over 2 or 3 years you really can't hide who you are, even if you want to. but the thing is that it's all a bit artificial. and i find myself slightly unsure in this bubble of forced community - how much to share, who with, and when.

it's also been slightly interesting having some people comment on stuff that i've written either here or on fulcrum (in a nice way, well mostly) - i admit to finding that a bit disconcerting. i could lie to you and say that of course i'm totally used to it - but i'm not. the truth is that most people have never heard of fulcrum (yes, it's true - i suffer no pretensions), and, shocking i know, but some people couldn't give two hoots about local church politics, national church politics, international church politics or the covenant, windsor process, gene robinson, GAFCON, FCAUK, etc etc.

i guess what i'm saying is that i have no desire to pretend. absolutely non whatsoever. i am constantly surprised that i've ended up doing everything i'm doing. i am sometimes a blethering idiot. i, rather too often for my own liking, say things that probably should have been left unsaid. when i'm nervous i'm much more likely to suffer from verbal diarrhoea than to clam up. i sometimes feel wildly free and sometimes excruciatingly shy.

and i'm okay with that.

i'm absolutely wonderfully, excitingly, amazingly terrified. and i would be highly suspicious of myself if i couldn't articulate that. it's very tempting to pretend. tempting to give off the aura of knowing what's what. but i don't.

so there :P

1 comment:

Rachel Marszalek said...

Hi Jody
I'm glad it's going well. i can relate to much of what you are saying here. It's a good job we've spread ourselves amongst the colleges - us political types. i want to be myself but also find I need to exercise discernment too and not be too shocked when people look confused at my 'Gafcon', 'Fulcrum', 'egals and comps' language. Sometimes I just have to shut-up but it's okay...i can blog...phew!