13.6.10

tomorrow

exhaustion is a funny thing. it seems that you can be exhausted even if the physical demands don't warrant such a thing. for me it feels like there has been that chipping away at self that i have been fighting very hard not to let touch me, but the cost of that has been very high.

i think that is something that i find a little difficult to stomach right now. the lack of understanding that there is a deep cost to investing in community here. no, that's not fair. what i mean is that, for some, the community has worked/does work really well and that's fine. but for others the cost is high and it seems that there is the idea that community can just 'happen' without work. that there is a ready made community that you can slot into. but that's not really community. the community that is seen in God's economy is one that bends and moves to accommodate the 'other'. the work of community is hard, but it ensures that there is space for everyone. when we are asked to invest in community, there should at least be acknowledgement that it's at a cost - jesus knows this. why expect no sacrifice? the cost may be high, but it should be born together, across the divides of difference.

for me the cost is only just coming to bear. the emotional exhaustion has tipped into physical exhaustion. it shows me literally how we are really connected, whole, human beings. i take a day off and it's good for that day, but the next day i'm still tired and raw. i suppose that the good news with that is that the day off is good. if i was completely depressed i suspect that would be a different story, that i couldn't enjoy anything. it's not so all consuming as that, in terms of emotions, but waking up tired is pretty crappy actually.

so i'm hoping that as my 3 months off progresses - still busy with placement and work to do - that my emotional recovery will feed into my physical state. i'm kinda hoping that the emotional recovery will just happen with being absent from college, because i'm not sure how else it will happen. apart from spending time with people who love me, doing things that feed my soul. but right now it's about tomorrow, monday morning, getting through the day with love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. and this will probably require being awake........

3 comments:

sarah said...

stay strong

radical evangelical said...

thanks sarah - today was a gently good day :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Jody. I find Isaiah 49-14:15 really useful...when not feeling it....hope this helps. nersen